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the pretender...'s Journal
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Date:2012-10-07 09:49
Subject:is this thing on?
Security:Public
Mood: nostalgic

Noah and I have moved back to the USA. We're currently living in Pasadena, MD - which seems to me to be about 1/2 way between Baltimore and Annapolis. We have a lovely little townhouse with 3 bedrooms, an attic, a full basement, and a deck. Plus! We have water access and live quite close to a bunch of wonderful things. We are definitely in the thick of it. That being said - our place is smaller than our house was in Aston. Much smaller than it apparently was in my head, because there is stuff without homes EVERYWHERE.

I told my mom that when we moved to Dubai I was in a very fragile emotional state and perhaps that can explain why I saved some of the crap I saved. But really? Some of it is ridiculous.

It has made me feel very nostalgic, though. I found photo albums, and mementos, and an ENTIRE box full of journals. The journals are the worst/best. It's so funny to go back and see who you were before, how you processed (or didn't process) the events in your life, and how you chronicled it all. I told Noah that I was ready to throw them away. They are embarrassing and no longer indicative of the person I am now. He convinced me not to, though. He said I might want them some day. So - after reading them all I boxed them up again and vowed to try to put more things of substance in my journal going forth. Hah, right. But then again, I suppose now that I'm rounding the corner to 30 my life is much more full and promising than when I was rounding the corner to 20. I mean... I am SO ready to leave my 20's behind. Not so ready to become an adult, but definitely ready to put two feet on the ground.

Here's to looking back so that we can move forward.

Comments: knock on any door.
Date:2011-03-18 12:44
Subject:update shmupdate
Security:Public
Mood: hungry

TGIF - even if I have to go to work today for a few hours.

Yes, work. You heard correctly. I have found a job. Or, more appropriately, a job has found me. A little over a month ago I met up for drinks with an American gal I met through a meet-up website. We were doing the usual "getting to know you" dance and discussing our backgrounds, how we came to be living in the UAE, our jobs (or lack there of) etc. When I mentioned that I was in the process of looking for a job she asked me if I liked kids and then said that I should come work for her company. She forwarded me the contact info for the HR manager and I merrily sent along my resume thinking that nothing would really come of it because I have ZERO experience working with children, let alone special needs kids.

BAM!

One month later and I'm having my first full week of my set work schedule. I am currently employed as a Junior ABA Therapist working with children with autism and other learning delays. The center is affiliated with CARD (Center for Autism and Related Disorders), an American company. This means that not only have I found a rewarding and challenging job to occupy my time here but I have also stumbled upon a possible career change.

WHAT?

I went out for drinks with an American gal and now I have a new path in life? How randomly things happen.

On another note, my friend Stacy is visiting us from the States. YAY! She didn't get in until very late last night/early this morning. So - we went to bed around 4:30AM - wow, I had almost been up for 24 hours. I got up around 10AM and have been interwebbing since looking for a good deal on a long term rental car or a short term lease. I love my job but it is damn inconvenient to get to/from without my own transportation. The mass transit in Dubai is actually really lovely. The metro is cheap and clean and goes straight through the city. Unfortunately I live 15 minutes walking from the nearest metro stop and that's going to become pretty ugly when it gets hot. I also have a home session out in the Arabian Ranches section of Dubizzle which is in the middle of nowhere and requires cabbing it. This means that I'd be spending about 1440 AED on cabs to get to that one kid's session ALONE each month. I think a rental car would end up being around 1500-1600 AED each month so I figure it's worth the extra 200 AED (around 54 USD) because I usually end up getting lazy and cab to work at least one extra day a week anyway (which costs about 140AED) and it also means that if I want to go anywhere during the month aside from work, I'll already have a means to do it.

YAY car!

anyway. I should probably start getting ready for work.

Comments: 2 knocks - knock on any door.



Date:2011-02-04 13:27
Subject:5 Questions!
Security:Public
Mood: bouncy

5 questions meme:
- Comment with "Paper. Scissors. Rock. Spock. Merlin."
- I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
- Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
- Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.



1. What do you like most about Dubai?

the cultural diversity. I feel that as an american I always *thought* I was in a diverse place... but it's NOTHING like being here. we have friends from Germany, Wales, England, India, Pakistan, Ireland, the Philippines, etc.. It's so neat to be in a place with people who don't share the same background that I do.

2. What is your biggest vice?

huh? I really don't know. french fries, maybe? hahaha


3. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

I know this is going to sound so stupid (especially after I told you how much I love the diversity of being here),but I really want to come home. It doesn't have to be NJ or even the east coast (though that's where I would love MOST to be) but I really miss the US. something about being an expat either makes you never want to go home, or never want to live anywhere else. I am in the latter category.

4. Was your wedding day everything you wanted it to be?

oh my gosh, yes. it was (cliche, I know) one of the best days of my life. to stand before god, and (almost) everyone I love in the world and join myself to this amazing man who is everything to me. and then have the BIGGEST party of the century in one of our favorite places! oh. I'm so lucky. it was more than I could have dreamed it would be.

5. What's one thing you enjoyed about NJ that you can't find in Dubai?

I will just assume you mean OTHER than my friends and family who I miss so much it hurts, right? Other then them, wawa and yeungling. I don't ever want to live without wawa again (yet another reason to stay on the east coast). OH! and RAIN. sorry - I know that's three things or five if you count friends and family. but I really miss the rain.

Comments: 1 knock - knock on any door.



Date:2011-01-12 11:08
Subject:and these days I feel like I'm fading away
Security:Public
Mood: lazy

I'm in a bit of a counting crows mood as of late.

I've had a few really productive days lately. The apartment is back to normal with all the Christmas decorations put away and I re-arranged both of the bedrooms and the closets there in. We're going to be having some guests in the middle of February and I figured I should reclaim the guest room and actually turn it into a guest room/office. For the last year it has mostly served as Noah's closet. In fact - when I moved his things into the closet in our bedroom it marks the first time in the four years we've been living together that we have shared a closet.

Noah's been sick lately and yesterday I started to feel a bit off as well. Hopefully I can avoid the fever he's had for the past 4 days. I really don't want to be sick. But then again, who ever wants to be sick right?

We were originally going to move at the end of this month as our lease is up and we thought we'd explore other options. The grass is always greener. It took the landlord of the new place we found FOREVER to eventually accept our (very fair) offer. And by now we've pretty much decided to stay here. We have a dishwasher (which is totally rare in Dubai), a really nice pool, a decent gym, plenty of space, AND they're building a grocery store in the retail space in the ground floor of our building. All of those things combined with the annoyance of actually moving have led us to stay put. Hell, it's just another year. We just need to make sure we get the air conditioning to work this summer.

Now that we have the housing situation figured out I really should start looking for a job. I finally have my residency visa and have the ability to work so I should probably do so. I just really, really hate looking for jobs. But again, doesn't everyone?

anyway. this is about all that's "up" on my end. if anyone out there even still reads this.

Comments: 2 knocks - knock on any door.



Date:2010-10-25 21:59
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: thirsty

Noah and I were just sitting on the couch when we heard our door open. We turned to see what it was and there was a pretty European girl standing there looking very confused. When we said "hello" she responded with "I'm sorry, it was just a mistake." Then she closed the door and left. Interesting.

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-09-24 09:49
Subject::)
Security:Public
Mood: excited

Noah comes in tomorrow!
The wedding is a week from today!
I am excited!

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-08-09 10:15
Subject:home sweet jersey
Security:Public
Mood: okay

I've been home for over a week now.
it is both exhausting and lovely.
I need to join a gym because I've been eating waaaaay too much.
the wedding is in 53 days!
I miss noah.

the end.

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-07-22 22:17
Subject:my eyes hurt
Security:Public
Mood: drained

I just had myself a little emotional breakdown because earlier today when we had lunch noah didn't put away the turkey and I had to throw it in the garbage.

now, lost turkey is sad. but not quite so sad that I should cry for 20 minutes about it.

PMS you are one cruel, cruel bitch.

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-07-18 10:59
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: nostalgic

I decided that since I have a) ample time on my hands and
b) an upcoming overseas adventure
that it would be a good time to put all my busic onto my computer and thusly my iPod. when we were living in aston noah had built a media pc/jukebox that was meant to hold all of our music. so, we made the lengthy process of importing all our cds to the itunes on that computer... only, because of what a tediuos project it is we never completed it. and then it broke - so we couldn't add any new music or any of our old music that hadn't already been imported. so, fine, whatever. I had tons of music on my iPod and I never bothered to do anything about it.

but now it annoys me. b/c most of noah's music is on our iPods but over half of mine never made it (this is probably b/c I have an obscene amount of music). and we've continued to randomly purchase albums that never stood a chance of being on our iPods. so I told him that I was going to import all my cd's onto my computer and then pick through his and take what I wanted and I would have the perfect mix.

this has led to a very involved and time consuming project of importing all my music. but it has been kinda fun to be reunited with music I haven't listened to in ages. it's also kinda silly to see the cd's I've held onto that are no where near my tastes anymore. but I'll probably put it all on my iPod anyway. who knows when I'll want a throw back jam to giggle about.

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-07-07 15:32
Subject:random thoughts
Security:Public

1) I keep having crazy dreams about how our wedding will be a disaster. ex: last night I dreamed that the priest said he couldn't marry us because I never gave him a copy of our rehersal dinner menu

2) my legs are super tired from two days in a row of BodyStep (my step aerobics class from the gym) but I love it.

3) I am thinking about making an appointment to speak to the head of Rutgers Library Science Masters Program when I go home in August to speak to her about the posibility of doing the online program from Dubai.

4) my dubai best friend is coming to visit on friday!!!! she moved back to the states in may and I have been LONELY ever since she left. hurray for a visit with her!

5) noah will be going to dinner with his boss and some other work-related peoples tonight. I think I'm going to make myself tacos. or be lazy and order them from on the border. either way I will probably watch chick flicks and paint my nails.

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-06-27 12:53
Subject:Travel Plans
Security:Public
Mood: excited

tickets purchased!

Flight from DXB to JFK:

Emirates Flight 203
leaves DXB @ 2AM 7/30/10
arrives in JFK @ 7:45AM on 7/30/10


T - 33 days until I'll be in the states for 2 WHOLE MONTHS!

glorious.

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-06-22 15:47
Subject:feeling some kind of way
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

well I looked into a house I once lived in
around the time I first went on my own
when the roads were as many as the places I had dreamed of
and my friends and I were one
now the distance is done and the search has begun
I've come to see where my beginnings have gone

oh the walls and the windows were still standing
and the music could be heard at the door
where the people kindly endured my odd questions
asked if I came very far
and when my silence replied they took me inside
where their children sat playing on the floor


well we spoke of the changes that would find us farther on
and it left me so warm and so high
but as I steped back outside to the grey morning sun
I heard the highway whisper and sigh
are you ready to fly

and I looked into all the faces passing by
it's an ocean that will never be filled
and the house that grows older and finally crumbles
that even love cannot rebuild
it's a hotel at best, you're here as a guest
you oughta make yourself at home while you're waiting for the rest

well I looked into dream of the millions
that one day the search will be through
now here I stand at the edge of my embattled illusions
looking into you

the great song traveler passed through here
and he opened my eyes to the view
and I was among those who called him a prophet
and I asked him what was true
until the distance had shown that the road remains alone
now I'm looking in my life for a truth that is my own

well I looked into the sky for my anthem
and the words and music came through
but words and music can never touch the beauty that I've seen
looking into you - and that's true.

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-06-02 12:27
Subject:I'm on a U2 kick lately
Security:Public
Mood: okay

But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
'Cause tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-05-27 20:55
Subject: these days
Security:Public

it's just that i've been loosing. for so long.


I was not designed for solitude.
I was seriously not cut out for this shit.
I hate spending days all by myself with no more company than the tv

I know I should be spending this time on "finding myself"
or discovering "my dream"

but I'm too exhausted from feeling miserable to do so much as get off the couch.

I'm sorry. I'm going to go continue my pitty party by myself.

Comments: 3 knocks - knock on any door.



Date:2010-05-26 15:08
Subject:rotting my brain
Security:Public
Mood: happy

I find the american tv choices they have selected for our viewing pleasure in Dubai hilarious.

but I am enjoying a guilty pleasure of mine - first season dawsons creek.

yesssssssss


also: I don't care what anyone says. The sountrack to this show is most excellent. Hurrah!

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-05-22 14:13
Subject:something fine
Security:Public
Mood: good

now if you see morocco, I know you'll go in style
I may not see morocco for a little while
but while you're there I was hoping you might keep it in your mind
to save me just a taste of something fine

Comments: knock on any door.



Date:2010-05-20 04:15
Subject:there goes the dawn prayer again
Security:Public

I can't sleep.
this jet lag is KILLING me.
it's 4:14 in the morning.
UGH

I suppose it's not as if I have anything to do tomorrow or anywhere to go. but still. it'd be nice not to sleep for the ENTIRE day.

ugh.

Comments: 2 knocks - knock on any door.



Date:2010-04-22 14:13
Subject:what was I thinking?
Security:Public
Mood: sad

why did I convince myself that moving to Dubai wouldn't be so hard? why did I make it out to be some kind of glamerous adventure? maybe if I had mentally prepared for it to suck as much as it does I might have thought twice about coming... or I would have figured out a way to combat how awful it feels to be here. but I didn't and now I'm stuck here. in this place that I hate far away from the people I love and who love me. noah still thinks it's some kind of grand adventure. he thinks that it will make us closer. I wonder how? we've fought more and gotten into more arguments in the 4 months we've been here than in the entire nearly 4 years we've been together. "WE" don't even have a life here. Noah has a life here and I have a life here but they barely intersect. We see each other for a few hours a day if we're lucky, and then on his days off we either sleep or argue about how to spend our days. I am alone 95% of the time in a place that I can't stand where I don't fit in. I can't call a friend, I can't hug my mother, I can't have a glass of wine with dinner, I can't wear a sundress to the mall, I can't buy lean cuisine's at the grocery store, I can't drive a car, I can't get a job, I can't get half of the taxi drivers to figure out where I live, I can't stand it here.

and I still have more than a year and a half of hating it before we can go home. and home to what? to where? just another openended question. just more uncertainty.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to complain. I don't mean to sound so pathetic. I'm sure it's just a moment of weakness and I'll be better soon.

I hope.

Comments: 2 knocks - knock on any door.



Date:2010-04-12 22:56
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: okay

I am boring. the end.

Comments: 1 knock - knock on any door.



Date:2010-04-09 13:39
Subject:hello, summer
Security:Public
Mood: amused

it's 105 degrees today.
how lovely.

Comments: knock on any door.


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